Things That Go "Chirrrp" In The Night

"Chirrrp"

The sound first occurred in the middle of a dream. Isn't it incredible that you can dream around a noise that isn't really in your dream?

"Chirrrp"

My eyes were now wide open, staring at the clock radio. 4:40 AM.

"Chirrrp"

Actually, it's more like a "beep/chirp"

It's the frigging smoke detector. "Didn't I just change that battery?" Not much help at that moment in time to have those sort of dicussions with yourself. I get up, grab the flashlight, wander out of the bedroom, right under the offending intruder. Making my way through the living room I pass Cinnamon, our dog, looking at me from her crate, still laying on her side. Eyes are just slits. She's giving me that "This is different" look that only dogs can give when you break routine.

Focus...Get to the kitchen, take the last 9 volt battery out of the drawer, get the step ladder out of the garage and make my way back to the bedroom.

"Chirrrp".

"I hear you, you little bastard." I climb up, remove the battery and replace it. "Ahhh, that wasn't so bad." I fold the step ladder, wondering to myself why the batteries in smoke detectors only go bad early in the morning.

"Chirrrp"

"What the...Could that spare battery have been bad?" I walk over to the clock radio and remove the back-up battery that saves the time when the power goes out, climb back up, change batteries, climb down and walk back out through the living room to put the ladder away.

"Chirrrp"

"This can't be happening." The dog is now wide awake, standing in her crate. I let her out and put her in the back yard. Going back into the bedroom, I see my wife stirring. She's had a bad weekend in her treatment. Not much sleep. This really isn't a good night for the battery to go dead.

"Maybe, it's one of the other detectors", I think to myself. They are all tied into a main system that is hard wired to the main panel in the house. The batteries are just back up if the power goes off. Carrying the step ladder to the hallway in front of the kids room I remove the battery and replace it with the one originally from the kitchen. The old one is from when we moved into the new house two years ago. It isn't even alkaline. "That's it", I think triumphantly.

"Chirrrp"

The next minutes are a blur. I check the battery in my daughters (Jessie) room. It's fine. I go back to the master bedroom and inform my wife that she should go to Jessie's room as I have to turn the light on to deal with the problem. She stumbles out, groaning. I get back on the ladder, and check the battery, the old fashioned way, by touching it to my tongue. Buzzzt. Battery is good. It leaves that metallic taste in my mouth.

"Chirrrp"

I decide, in one final attempt, to just take the entire thing off of the ceiling. I take out the battery, twist the entire unit counter-clockwise, dropping it from it's place of annoyance. Using my Leathermans, I pry the connector from the back of the unit, placing it on the dresser. Down the ladder. Victory. Peace at last.

"Chirrrp"

"No fucking way!!" I stand in disbelief staring at the unit sitting on the dresser, holding the battery in my hand, thinking that I am in some "B" grade horror movie, "The Detector That Wouldn't Die". I walk back over to the dresser, about to take the hell-spawned piece of crap to the garage and throw it out, anywhere, as long as I didn't have to hear it again.

"Chirrrp"

I realize, in that one moment, that I am missing something. Finally, through the 5:00 AM fog in my head, as I look up and out through the bedroom door, I see the real problem. There is a small entryway to our bedroom. In this entryway is the intake for the A/C and heat, the thermostat, a light and the hatch to the attic. In this entryway, just above the doorway to the living room, is another smoke detector. Forgot about that one. It's not 2 feet away, just outside the door from the one in the bedroom that I had just taken down.

Climbing back up, I change the battery, climb back down and wait for the "chirrrp." It seemed like a long time....

No chirrrp. Silence. I still wait. After a few minutes, I get my wife and tell her she can go back to bed. The dog stays out in the back yard, and I turn out the lights and crawl back onto bed.

I look at the clock radio. 5:25 AM. I have to get up at 6:00 AM. Wasn't that fun?

I lie in bed wondering who was the person, or persons, responsible for creating that God-awful noise that smoke detectors make early in the morning. I mean, did they finally hear the noise after days of testing and say, "That is the most annoying noise we've ever heard, especially in the early morning, let's use it."

I would like to have a chat with that individual some day.

WH