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Imagine a relationship in which you know a person that you have seen in only one element, one environment. And in that element you know them in only one way. Then you decide to rent an house together, except the friend has a family, so you have a room in the house. In order to help with your part of the rent you do things around the house on a regular basis: cut the grass, edge the sidewalk, clean the pool, vacuum the house, go shopping, and various things to help out. Your friend also knows that you are excellent with interpersonal relationships and asks you to "speak into his life" any time you see an area in which he can improve.One day you hear a conversation, really an argument, and your friend is berating and minimizing his adult daughter, who lives at home. You try and ignore the force and content of the encounter but cannot. Over the next weeks and months you begin to see patterns of behavior emerging that were not visible to you before - you are in a different environment now. Anger, manipulation, control, exaggeration, and "truth stretching" are part of these patterns. The others in the home are "walking on egg shells". "That's just the way he is" the family members say. "Once the house is paid for he'll get better." "He has a lot on him."
Then you realize that your conscience is nagging you. But, you don't want to mess up the arrangement. You have a place to stay. Your friend has someone to help take care of the house. You make some suggestions, some hints about the things you see. Nothing. After all it's his house, you are but a guest. You realize that this is classic emotional/verbal abuse and codependency. Now you are a part of the "dance of anger".
After a lot of soul searching and agony of heart you write a letter - detailed in incident and broad in scope. Your hope is that it will create a change in behavior. You mention that the friendship is in jeopardy due to the behavior you see. In that letter you also state that you will be moving out at the end of the month. You just can't stay any longer. After all, it is his house.
With your heart in your throat, you speak to your friend and hand him the letter and go your area of the house to go to sleep. You wonder how the letter will be taken. You wait. Night falls. You sleep restlessly and fitfully.
The next morning at breakfast you see a note on the table. In the note your friend says, "thank you for the nice letter" and has left on a trip for three days. You wait.
On the day of your friend's return he says, "let's talk about some things."
You sit down and he says, "the grass looks like it needs to be cut" and "could you paint the mailbox today?" And, "By the way, let's get a list of chores together that you will need to do before you move out. And once you do move out let's work out an agreement that I can call you and you can come back and work on some things until I find another person to rent the room and do the work."
You want to scream, "WHAT ABOUT THE LETTER? WHAT ABOUT YOUR FAMILY? WHAT ABOUT OUR FRIENDSHIP? WHAT ABOUT YOU?"
But you realize that the "non-response" confirms just what you have identified - you are at peace with the decision, but saddened and disturbed at how deep the denial, self-justification, and self-preservation goes. Angry at yourself for not seeing sooner. Helpless to help the others - they are adults and have to decide to not "dance the dance" on their own.
You realize that you have to leave and NOT GO BACK, even to help. It's more than a "just few chores", it's staying enmeshed with and supporting a system that refuses to be addressed or EVEN acknowledged. You will do what you are asked, while you are still there, as long as it doesn't compromise your integrity. This is sicker and more dysfunctional than you ever imagined...
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Seven days and counting...WH
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